This is not existential angst, people. This is what I call “blogential angst”.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been blogging since 2000. A decade has passed and personal blogs have really come a long way since. I’m not saying I’m an expert of blogs or anything, but I can say I am one of those “ancient” bloggers from the past. Well, that’s what I feel like, anyway. I just feel immensely old compared to all the younger bloggers on the Internet.

Anyway, let’s go back to my list of “blogential pondering” at the beginning.

I question and wonder why I even blog.

Why do I blog? I’ve always said I blogged because it’s a way to document “interesting” happenings in my life since I’ve moved away from paper journals. Yet how interesting is my life to document? I know I wouldn’t want to read about my daily routine on a regular basis. How many of those “I woke up, ate, went to work, came home, and wasted my time on Wikipedia” entries can I write before I sound repetitive and unoriginal? One of those is about all I can stand when I read blogs, so I don’t expect others to want to read my mundane life story every day. But I still blog the more unusual events in my life, and whenever I go back to re-read the entries, I find them to be quite helpful. I also wince when I read my earlier entries because I find myself wishing I’d been a bit more mature back then . . . but that’s a different story all together.

But there’s more to my reasoning. I claim I blog because I enjoy it. Do I? I do. I’ve always been better at expressing myself with words (never mind that I sound like I suffer from “typing impediment” a lot) and blogging (especially when I am angry) allows me to express my opinions and emotions in ways I can’t verbally. When I first started blogging, I really enjoyed the freedom of having my own space on the net to say what I want to say. Having my own space also allowed me to find interesting people over the net, and I befriended many of them over the years. That’s another reason why I enjoy blogging.

I ask myself who my target audience are.

Those friends I made over the years lead to the next question. Who are my target audience? I honestly do not know. I know most people who read this blog are people who are returning my comments from where I wrote on their blogs. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it makes me wonder who my target audience is. Do I even have one? I think the answer to that question is a simple no. Over my long years of blogging, I’ve never bothered to really focus on a specific niche or topic. I never wanted to because I feared that would really limit my blogging output.

Still I ask myself, do I really want to have a target audience? The egotistical part of me does! I won’t deny that I do crave some popularity, but then when I talked to Vickie, and she made some good point on how being popular would drive me crazy since I’d have to be perfect and fulfil that status I’ve acquired. To be honest, I do not have the time nor the energy to do that. I like the casual way I blog, and if being popular means to only focus on this blog instead of my other hobbies and interests, I’d go insane.

Finally, I think I’ve determined who my target audience really is. It’s me, and I’m not trying to sound pretentious. I’m my own audience because I’m the one who’ll re-read these entries in the future and see how much I’ve changed or not changed over the years. I guess in a way, this blog can be considered as my memoir, and if I ever lose this, I’ll be quite devastated since it’ll feel like I’m losing a big chunk of myself. Luckily, that’s why I constantly back things up . . . paranoia has its usage.

I start self-doubting myself on my own blogging and writing ability.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned in my quarter life so far is this important fact on mediocrity. I’m mediocre at practically everything I do. Since I’ve always been interested in so many things in my life, I’ve never focused on one particular thing to be better at. That’s why I feel like my blog is quite lacking compared to all the other really good blogs out there. I read their well-written entries and then I read mine, and I start criticising myself. I tell myself to try to write like those great bloggers, but if I try to imitate them, I won’t be me any more. I won’t have my own voice in my little space on the net.

And that’s what I don’t want. That’s why I try to not compare myself to the others. I try to enforce positive thinking (never mind that I’m very pessimistic in my approaches) to believe that I have my own voice, that I have my own sense of style to express what I want to say and be happy about it. It’s not only blogging I feel this way, though. I feel this way when I write fanfics — there are so many great writers out there and I keep thinking I’ll never be as good as them. I just have to remind myself that it’s for me. That it’s a way for me to be happy in life.

I’m only human, though. I’ll always want stuff I can’t always have. I’ll always be envious of those I consider great. In the end, I’ll just have to suck it up and accept myself for who I am and what I’m capable of doing and be happy doing it!

Let’s think differently, shall we?

Really, suffering from any forms of existential angst is not fun. It’s the pits. I don’t really need to think along those lines to be depressed or anything. Though seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses isn’t any better either. I’ll just have to settle for looking at things from a realistic perspective.

Now, five years later, I still try to do that and introduce people the beauty of instrumentals and classical music. I throw in oldies and Jazz. I select Asian musics that have caught my interest. I just try to post up an eclectic bunch of songs that I think need more loving and exposure. To me, Capriccio is a fun little project I’ve dedicated myself to for half a decade. Five years is quite a long time, even if the years have practically flown by.

When I started this site five years ago, I didn’t really imagine to last this long. Most of my previous websites would die a fairly quick death in a year or less at times, yet not good ol’ Capriccio. For its fifth anniversary, I decided to put up a new layout (a layout similar to the other new layouts I’ve put up because I like that simple style!) and put up a special rotation. I am not quite sure what the future holds for me, but if I can keep Capriccio up and running for another five years, I’ll be happy.

Happy Birthday, Capriccio. Thanks for being a constant steady project for me over the years. :)

1. Thought the sound problem started with the WiBro software, so I uninstalled the software. The problem still persisted, so I reinstalled the software back on Portie.
2. It hit me today that I could do a system restore from a day in January and then reinstall the WiBro software. So I did that, and the sound worked and the WiBro worked!
3. But another problem came alive . . . let’s just say I forgot I had updated my anti-virus software a week or so ago, and the system restore was from January . . . yeah, I ran into some weird problems.
4. Luckily, Cat suggested something, and while I don’t think I did it correctly, it solved the problem nonetheless.

Now. The sound works, the WiBro works, and my anti-virus programme works. Dearest Portie . . . PLEASE STAY WORKING.

Anyway, aside from my adventure of computer problems (I’ve been having some issues with my desktop, too. WTF? Is this a month where technology just hates me), I’ve been writing, writing, and writing. It’s funny. When I write other stuff, I don’t feel like blogging as much. Then again, I’ve been writing over 70k of fanfiction and role-play in the last two months . . . so yeah, I think I have a good excuse as to why I haven’t been actively blogging and reading blogs.

Such is life.

On the flipside, I am pissed off at WiBro the software and driver. For some bizarre reason, it affects my sound driver on my netbook! Now, certain sounds will not play (stuff like Youtube videos and PC game and Windows’ wave files) unless it’s through a media player. O_O;;

This weekend is Lunar New Year weekend. I shall raise hell at the KT office next week. What a way to greet the new year.

Honestly, I have gone and died in heaven. I . . . I’m just shocked by the best two and a half hours of my life. As video gamer and a musician, tonight was an experience I will never forget. I saw this wonderful concert, and I can say that if I die tomorrow, I will die a happy person.

Oh, by no means am I saying this was a perfect concert. There were some issues with it, but overall? It was almost perfect. See, I always wanted to hear video game music performed live. When I mean live, I mean in a real concert hall. To hear such a thing always felt like something out of my grasp, but I was given a chance to finally hear the famed Final Fantasy songs in one of Seoul’s grandest concert halls. Without further ado, here’s my review on a fabulous night.

The concert took place at the Seoul Arts Centre, in Seochu-gu, in the concert hall. Before the concert started, the SAC staff were selling merchandises, such as t-shirts and CDs. I wanted the CD, but they sold out. :( However, I think this is the CD, which I went ahead and ordered. My friend and I sat in B-block, towards the middle, and guess who happened to sit around our vicinity? Uematsu Nobuo himself! It was quite exciting.

Oh, speaking of Uematsu-sama, when the orchestra (Euro-Asian Philharmonic Orchestra) and the choir (I forgot their name) came on stage, Uematsu-sama came out first. At first, I only saw his shoes, which looked like some kind of a sandals. I thought that was the conductor, and I was wondering what kind of a conductor wore that kind of shoes. Then I looked at the actual person, and I was like HOLY CRAP. After that little surprise, Maestro Arnie Roth came out.

Anyway, this was the concert programme, and here’s my take on the songs and whatnot. Oh, during most of the songs, they had the game sequences on the screen to follow along the song. It was awesome.

Part I

• Final Fantasy VIII — “Liberi Fatali” — Wow. Just, wow. They showed the opening CG sequence of the game and played this at the same time. My mouth dropped opened as the orchestra and the chorus performed this.
• Final Fantasy — “Victory Theme” — This was just a clip played after Maestro Roth gave his opening speech. I thought it was cute XD.
• Final Fantasy X — “To Zanarkand” — I was ready to cry when I heard this song. The first video game music I memorised on the piano . . . this song really holds a special place in my heart. So to hear it live orchestrated . . . I wanted to cry.
• Final Fantasy VIII — “Don’t be Afraid” — I actually don’t remember this song from the game. I think it was because I hated that time-limit gaming I had to do with that scary machine monster. X_X;; But this was intense and exciting to listen to!
• Final Fantasy VIII — “Fisherman’s Horizon” — This is one of my favourite songs from the game, so I was pleased to see this on the programme. I had no idea that this version added a choral part to it, though! Nice twist! And it was funny that Maestro Roth made a mistake and introduced the next song first, but then he realised and quickly introduced this song!
• Final Fantasy — “Swing de Chocobo” — Jazz arrangement of the infamous “Chocobo Theme”! It was cute! And it was also cute seeing all the in-game sequences of Chocobos throughout the series on the screen! Very catchy! I loved the drum parts.
• Final Fantasy V — “Dear Friends” — A Korean classical guitarist came out to play the guitar part. I, er, don’t remember his name. All I know is that I liked the song! Despite me not being a guitar fan.
• Final Fantasy IX — “Vamo’ alla Flamenco” — I’ll admit that I’ve never really liked this song. However, I think I’ve changed my mind. The guitarist from the last song performed this, too, and just wow. I’m a bit miffed that this was the only FFIX song, though. I wished there was one more FFIX song on the list . . .
• Final Fantasy VIII — “Love Grows” — An, according to Maestro Roth, instrumental version of “Eyes on Me”. Yeap. It sure was. I’m not complaining. The lyrics for “Eyes on Me” is corny, anyway!
• Final Fantasy XI — “Memoro de la Stono – Distant Worlds” — Okay, I haven’t played FFXI, so this song was unfamiliar territory for me. A soprano soloist was invited to sing this, and all I could remember was that the orchestra was too loud for this singer’s voice. Yeah. By this time, I realised that the orchestra, especially the brass/woodwinds were pretty overpowering. I’m not sure if it’s the acoustic in the hall or not, but I noticed it along with my friend.
• Final Fantasy VIII — “The Man with a Machine Gun” — Er, my first reaction to this song is “Why this song?” because I honestly don’t care for that song. Well, I don’t care for the original soundtrack version, but I’ll care for the orchestrated version. What a fantastic end for the first part!

We had a fifteen-minute intermission after that, and then it was onto the second part. Whoo hoo!

Part II

• Final Fantasy VII — “Opening – Bombing Mission” — Hm, I wasn’t really that impacted by this song since I haven’t really played FFVII yet. But I think I’ll need to one of these days . . . All you FFVII fans? Leave me alone. Don’t pressure me to play it or I’ll not play it in the end.
• Final Fantasy X — “Suteki Da Ne” — Well. It’s “Suteki Da Ne” ala Korean version. They invited this Korean singer (who had recorded a Korean version of this song already) to perform this, and I was actually scowling at the beginning. See, Maestro Roth introduced “the original singer” and I was thinking “RIKKI!”. Never mind. I wished it was Rikki. The Korean singer wasn’t that good. I wasn’t impressed.
• Final Fantasy XIV — “New Music Medley (Uematsu) from FFXIV” — As a special treat, we were allowed to see clips of FFXIV and hear snippets of the soundtrack so far! It was neat! I was drooling at the graphics for FFXIV. Us audience member were very pleased by this bonus!
• Final Fantasy VII — “Aerith’s Theme” — Ahhh. I may not have played FFVII yet, but I do know this song, and it’s pretty. Hearing it live is 100x prettier! Yes, I’m a sucker for live performances.
• Final Fantasy VII — “J-E-N-O-V-A” — Apparently we heard a new arrangement for this song. They just recorded it last month, and it won’t be out on CD until June. So yay? XD I haven’t heard the previous arrangement, so I can’t compare. But from what I heard, it sounded good.
• Final Fantasy XI — “Ronfaure” — Like the previous FFXI song, I don’t know it . . . but I did enjoy my first time hearing it! It was really catchy and lovely. I’m listening to the soundtrack version at the moment, and it doesn’t do justice for the live version I heard!
• Final Fantasy IV — “Theme of Love” — I actually think this would have been better if there was a singer for it . . . but that’s just me. It’s still a gorgeous song, but it was lacking something for me.
• Final Fantasy VI — “Opera ‘Maria and Draco’” — Yeah they played the condensed version of the “opera” from the game. They had three singers like the original did. A tenor, a baritone, and an alto (Or maybe mezzo-soprano?). The alto singer was a bit off, the tenor’s voice was too weak to overcome the loudness of the orchestra, and the baritone dude impressed me!
• Final Fantasy VI — “Terra’s Theme” — My namesake song! Hey, I was born before the game XD. Just kidding, but HOMG. This is one of my all-time favourites from FF series. I always enjoy listening to the orchestral recordings from other concerts and whatnot, but to hear it live . . . I had goosebumps and everything!

Special Encore
My hands nearly died from all the clapping I did, but it was worth it! Anyway, Uematsu-sama went back on stage and gave a speech of his own. He spoke in English, and when he forgot the word for “thank you” in Korean, he asked Maestro Roth, and then Uematsu-sama said it. It was so adorable! Then Maestro Roth said, “And now, Uematsu-sama will sing us a special solo for all of you!” He handed the mic to Uematsu-sama. Two seconds later, Uematsu-sama said, “I can’t do it!” He handed the mic back to Maestro Roth, who then said, “Then how about you go sing with the choir for our next piece? Will that be all right?” Uematsu-sama agreed, and it was so cute the way he ran to the back to be with the choir!

As an encore, they played Final Fantasy VII — “One-Winged Angel”. What a fabulous way to end the concert! When they were done, Uematsu-sama ran back to the front of the stage, even doing some sliding moves. I may have lost my chance to meet the man himself, but I do not regret seeing him on stage. It was just really cool to see him period!

Conclusion
Aside from the loudness of the woodwinds and brass, the couple singers who needed work, and me still feeling sore at missing out that special ticket, I’m happy. Watching Maestro Roth’s conducting style was fun. He’s energetic, and it’s obvious he loves music. Seeing how Uematsu-sama acts on stage was a gift for me.

Really, this experience cost me almost $200 bucks, but it was worth it. It was worth every single cents.

WiBro
I’ve finally buckled down and got WiBro for Portie the netbook. This is what I had to do at the KT office.

• Choose a contract (six month or a year) and they’ll give you the WiBro modem for free.
• Choose a bandwidth plan of 1gb (yes it’s ONE GIGABYTE. It is not a typo.) for 10,000 won ($9/month), 30gb for 19,800 won ($18/month), or 50gb for 27,000ish won ($25ish/month). I chose the 30gb one.
• Choose a modem. I was given a choice between one that runs DMB (only Korean stuff) or one that will let me have 2gb of USB space. I chose the extra space since I don’t watch DMB or TV period.
• Choose payment method. I chose to pay the bill every month instead of having it drawn out of a bank account.
• Paperwork to fill out the necessary information.

That was last week. They told me to come back this week since they were having some company mumbo jumbo thing, so they couldn’t register me yet. This week, I went and they did the following:

• Double-check paperwork.
• Have them install a software on Portie. It’s a software that connects you to the WiBro network, and it also lets you know how much bandwidth you’re consuming.
• Ensure the USB modem works on Portie.
• DONE!

I’ve had WiBro for two days now. So far, I’ve come to the conclusion that WiBro must hate the base. I get crap signals there, but off-base, it’s not bad at all! It’s more reliable than the craptastic wi-fi hotspots services. Honestly? I don’t know why I didn’t get this sooner. I think it’s worth the money so far, and it’s convenient. No more relying on hotspots!

Chrome
Google Chrome is becoming my new favourite thing, despite my initial “It’s Meh” reaction in 2008. It’s so much faster than FireFox, and with Chrome finally having extensions . . . I’m in heaven. Now if I can get a Yoono on Chrome and an LJ extension, I’ll be very, very happy. Within the last couple of months, I’ve been steadily using Chrome. Until about now, I’d been using Chrome and FireFox simultaneously. Now, I’m just using Chrome exclusively. There are some things I still want on Chrome, but I’m satisfied with what I can do for now.

Seriously, I’m a Google fangirl, and I’m proud of it! *loves loves loves*

Writing
Here’s the biggest reason why I haven’t been blogging lately. I’ve been busy with writing fanfics. XD I’ve been trying to write at least 1000 words a day, or at least every other day or so. I have a couple of fics I need to finish soon, so I’m hunkering down to get those written! Ah, have I mentioned how I love Portie for being my constant companion lately? XD

Cold
And dun, dun, dun. I have a cold. X_X;; At least it isn’t the flu, but still . . .

I absolutely detest my sinuses. They suck. On the other hand, I have NyQuil! I didn’t have any last night, so it was rough. But I shall be sleeping like a baby tonight. Yay!

Conclusion
Time to disappear! I really need to get better! I have this splendiferous concert to attend on Sunday! I must go to that at my best! I cannot miss it!

First Dosage of HPV Vaccination
Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way, shall we? I received my Human papillomavirus vaccination today. Well, just the first dosage. After I celebrated my birthday, I realised I had to hurry up and get it done since the hospital I go to has the cut-off date of 26. Meep!

I went there, and I discovered something interesting. See, getting the shot part was easy. Getting the information on how to receive paperwork for my insurance company turned out to be a very, very difficult and teeth-grinding experience. Let’s just say they sent me around in circles today. I went from here to here:

• Front desk area — Gave me a number and told me to wait.
• Immunisation room — Received the shot (Ow!) and was told to go to PAD.
• PAD area — Here they told me to go to OPR, and I snapped at them on how I was sent here. They consulted OPR and took me over there.
• Out Patients’ Records area — I spent fifteen minutes for them to put my information into their computerised database. After they were done, I asked them about my “receipt”. They finally told me that I will receive a bill in the mail. I asked, “How long will that take?” They didn’t know. So they sent me to the Treasury office.
• Treasury Office — Their office was right next to PAD area. I was fuming by then at the hospital staff’s stupidity. Luckily, I was helped by a much smarter lady, and I ran into my former co-worker who works there now.

. . . ARGH. Let’s just say I left the hospital with a huge scowl on my face.

Ceru the Cellphone
After a quick stop at my big boss’ office to drop off my time sheet, I went to this Business Centre nearby. See, I’ve been wanting a new cellphone for the longest time now. Daddy said he’d buy me a phone, but the central problem in this situation was for me to try to transfer my current number into a new phone. My phone company, LG Telecom, are run by relatives of the morons I ran into at the hospital, I think. My friend (who’s Korean) became my translator, and we went one of their offices off-base and even called their informational hotline to be told this: They told me that I am unable to do that without an Alien Registration number, which I do not have since I’m under an entirely different visa from the other foreigners here. Upon that revelation, I became quite unhappy on Korean’s strict laws against foreigners.

However, at the Business Centre, the guy simply told me this: if the phone is registered under me, the number will be transferred regardless of having that Alien Registration number or not. Now that’s what I wanted to hear, and I spent some time in there looking for a phone of my preference. In the end, I chose this awesome silvery-blue thing:

Everyone, this Samsung SPH-B8650 is now known as Ceru (short for “Cerulean”) the Cellphone. It cost me $180, but Daddy will cover it for me as a late birthday present. Thank you, Daddy! And thank you sooooooo much, Business Centre, for being very logical and smart! You have gained a loyal customer! The black phone is my old one, Hass, and it will be used as my alarm clock from now on.

Conclusion
I also finished my rough draft of my fic today. Go me! I got the first dose of HPV vaccination, a new cellphone, and a finished draft! Plus, tomorrow’s my day off. My life’s fully and utterly complete!