Let me tell you, when it comes to discussion, I can only do it in either a small group or one-on-one. I cannot do it in front of an audience, especially when I’m being graded it for. Never mind being prepared, my mind goes blank, and what I want to say doesn’t come out. Instead, mindless babbling comes out.
That’s what happened to me today in Philosophy class. I bombed it so bad. I got a “B”, and yes that’s still good, but dammit! I do not want a “B”!!!!! I want a fucking “A”. I think it sucks that I only can get a “B” for something I suck at it. No matter how hard I try at this crap, I know I will not get an “A” in this class.
Never mind the fact how much I prepare for this class, if I don’t present it well to the teacher’s standard, I don’t get that damn grade I want. I am so mad that my 3.91 gpa is gonna be ruined all because of a class I HAVE to take, and all because this class is ENTIRELY in panel discussion form with a two five-paged essay for a final exam.
I was so miserable the past few days, dreading this damn discussion. And then when the time came, I just sounded like a contradicting idiot. All those eyes staring at me, and the teacher grading me is not a good combination. Sure, I can sub and still get thousands of eyeballs staring at me, but damn, this is just a whole different level.
I wanted to cry out of frustration after class. I didn’t, manage to hold it back. Hell, even my partner was like, “I thought you were gonna cry after he yelled at you.” Haha, I didn’t though.
After class, Jacquie, my saviour of the day, and I went to Bentley’s and shared a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea. We both got happily buzzed. I don’t feel as miserable as I would be if I was sober. So whee for that. *sighs* Two more damn panel discussions to go. I should have just taken this damn class online. At least, online, I just do paper and projects individually rather than a damn panel discussion.
“Just do your best and accept the grade you receive.” Whatever. All the effort I put into this is just wasted. I should just not bother and do a shit arsed job for the next two since I know I’m not gonna get an “A”. Sod contemporary moral issues. Sod panel discussions. And sod, SOD my inability to do a fucking presentation without sounding like an idiot!